The Starbucks Experiment

Monday, March 27, 2006

Top 5 Weirdest Orders

So you think your triple venti skim two splenda latte is complicated? Have no fear, we have heard it all. at my own Starbucks, the top five weirdest orders (which we receive on a regular basis, mind) are, from nominal to super weirdness:

5. the "Venti Four"
A venti coffee with four shots of espresso, this rather strong drink is ordered every morning by a dreamy doctor. I would consider him superhuman but i happen to know he puts lots of milk in it.

4. the ""Grande Latte in a Venti Cup" (or it's variant, the "Tall Latte in a Grande Cup")
I hate people who order these, because basically they are cheap. What they want is a venti extra-foam latte, and what they want to pay for is a grande latte. In the first place, if someone asks for a grande latte with one shot (a "solo grande") we are supposed to charge them for a grande. We are not supposed to give them a deal and charge them for a tall because, guess what? it takes just as much work to make a grande latte with one shot as it does to make one with two (are you still with me?). You have to steam just as much milk, in fact, more milk! People try to circumvent this policy by ordering a tall latte in a grande, but unlike when people order a tall coffee in a grande cup, they don't want extra room at the top. oh no, they expect us to fill it to the top with extra foam, yet not charge them for it, because it's not like foam is the product of actual labor. apparently it just sort of appears out of the sky like snowflakes. This problem is even more pronounced when people order a grande latte in a venti cup, because they want the same amount of espresso as a regular venti (two shots) and the same amount of milk (only foamier) but they only want to be charged for a grande. if that's not cheap i don't know what is.

3. the "Venti Mocha with Half Soy and Half 2% Milk"
The woman who orders this everyday is v. nice, but come on. We have to steam three different kinds of milk to make this order (or get a new pitcher and custom mix her milk pre-steam). And it just doesn't make sense to me. She can't be drinking the soy milk because she's lactose intolerant, since half her drink is milk, but if she likes the taste of soy, why does she only want half? If she drinks it for health reasons, why 2% instead of skim, or why a mocha at all, since the mocha syrup is like pure sugar? Yet if she's not concerned about eating right, why not have whole milk? What does a woman who orders this drink want out of life? I assume that she herself as no idea.

2. the "Tall Coffee in a Venti Cup, Half Regular, Half Mild"
I hate the woman who orders this everyday, so i make a point of being really sickly nice to her. First of all, it seems cheap to order a tall coffee in a venti cup, rather than a grande coffee in a venti cup. how could you really want that much room for milk? i figure she just assumes that we give her the same amount of coffee as we would if she ordered a grande in a venti, and i further suspect that the whole half-mild half-regular thing is designed to make us pour her more. seriously, if you're putting that much milk in your coffee because otherwise it's too strong, than why not just get all mild? and once you've mixed in all that milk can you really taste the difference between half-mild half-regular and all-regular or all-mild coffee? v. fishy.

but the weirdest order of all time has got to be:

1. the "Tall Earl Grey Tea with Steamed Skim Milk, No Water"
Yup, you've heard it from me. there is actually a woman running around steeping her tea in milk rather than water. as a tea drinker i find this so unbelievably weird that even after weeks of making this i still always want to ask this woman "are you sure?" everyone knows you should steep tea in water that has just come to a boil, meaning its about 200 degrees fahrenheit. whereas we only steam milk to about 145 degrees. making tea in water that's not hot enough is gross, there is no other word for it. making tea in milk that's not hot enough i can only imagine to be milky and gross, not exactly a good combination. i guess she's pleased with it though. what a weirdo.


At 9:54 AM, Blogger Karin said...

Best. Posting. EVS!

Seriously . . . I thought nothing would ever top Janice, but you've done it. From taking the cheapasses of the Palisades to task to speculating on the life goals of woman #3, this is pure frickin' genius, Lina. I love you.


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